Two beans, or not two beans? That is indigestion!*

Things invariably come down to one question when I'm feeling low: do I eat?

I get hungry and then wonder if it's a good idea to eat something. Aside from the effort required to procure food, there's always the niggling sensation in the back of my mind that it's not a good idea. I'm perfectly capable of eating mindlessly, and have often found myself on the other side of a bag of chips regretting everything past the first few mouthfuls. As difficult as it was to get up and get food, it's just as difficult to put it down and wipe my hands clean. So you can imagine that adding the shame of mindless eating to a low point, or even a full-blown deppressive I-don't-want-to-get-out-of-bed day, might not be a good idea.

The obvious solution is to exercise portion control. I only usually eat this much, so I will only eat this much. But when my rational mind has already given way to thoughts such as, "I could eat something, or I could keep sitting here doing nothing," that plan doesn't always get put into action. Sometimes it's easy. I feel like eating a biscuit, so I will get one biscuit and that's it. I use my inertia against myself. "Ugh, I've already gone and gotten one biscuit, I can't be bothered getting up and going all the way into the kitchen for another." That usually works. Other times it's not so easy, and I just keep adding things because I "feel like" I want them.


Which leads to the next problem. If I go over all of that in my mind, I'm likely to consider that the safest option is to not eat at all. Which is just as bad, because then I'm not eating. At which point I'm even hungrier, but I don't want to eat something because I'm even more likely to let go my rational mind and binge. So I don't eat. And then we fall into a spiral of hunger.


Dilemmas!


The best thing I can do in these situations is to throw myself into rational autopilot. If I'm able to manage it, I can ensure that I eat only what I need to, that I don't wait to go to the bathroom until I can barely stand, that I make it to class (and take notes), not get run over while crossing the street, and not remember a single thing that happened. Which, I suppose, is the best I can hope for on those days.


*Title inspiration: Babbage, from Where in Time is Carmen Sandiego for PC; my favourite quote of the game